with intention

too oft I loose sight of my Belovedness:
Nouwen depicts....
"...I am not so sure anymore that I have a safe home, and I observe other people who seem to be better off than I. I wonder how I can get to where they are. I try hard to please, to achieve success, to be recognized. When I fail, I feel jealous or resentful of these others. When I succeed, I worry that others will be jealous or resentful of me. I become suspicious or defensive and increasingly afraid that I won't get what I so much desire or will lose what I already have. Caught in this tangle of needs and wants, I no longer know my own motivations. I feel victimized by my surroundings and distrustful of what others are doing or saying. Always on my guard, I loose my inner freedom and start dividing the world into those who are for me and those who are against me. I wonder if anyone really cares. I start looking for validations of my distrust. And wherever I go, I see them, and I say: "No one can be trusted." And then I wonder whether anyone ever really loved me. The world around me becomes dark. My heart grows heavy. My body is filled with sorrows. My life soses meaning. I have become a lost soul."

I usually snap out of this downward spiral before depression sets in or at least some "diagnosable" form of depression. But Nouwen is pinpointing the path of those who loose sight of their belovedness in Christ here in the story of the prodigal son. "The further I run from the place where God dwells, the less I am able to hear the voice that calls me beloved."

++Lord if you are not my LIFE, then I am lost... be my LIFE++