12.23.2002

this from Andrew Jones' Blog

the kingdom enters
without applause
in genres unused
in fonts never bold
in places hidden
among people overlooked

eluding those
who scrample for the prized
who lust after the spectacular
molded in their own glittery image

for the kingdom
appears
backstage

the presence of God
with poor people
who are learning where to look

ISA 9:6 For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
ISA 9:7 Of the increase of his government and peace
there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne
and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
will accomplish this.

12.22.2002

beautiful worship this morn. worship focusing on jesus. jesus was the talk afterward. not the show - but the star.
God chose Nazareth as the town for his son to grow up in. a simple place. not even mentioned in the OT. off the beaten path. simple gov. - simple trade - simple relationships. sweet baby james says "steer clear of royal welcomes, avoid the big to-do" in his song "Home By Another Way". God is not out to steal the show on earth. he goes to Nazareth. paradox... mystery. well anyway, it was one of the best messages I've heard on advent.
these past few days have been days of refocusing. renewing. I feel new all overagain. I love that word. re-new. to "new" one more time. to become new once more. A new identity as his child. it's not all about me and i love that. it's all about him. my identity that is...
"I am the Lord; that is my Name" I was created for HIS glory. my whole life has one goal: to live an authentic response to the awsome glory of God::to glorify him. to make known his fame.

at church today...no one looked to me as someone important!! good. i need that.

I am not...says a lot

12.17.2002

a great piece by Len Sweet called "A Learned to Learner Litany of Transformation" Here is his piece of recent creative writing:

"A Learned to Learner Litany of Transformation" by Len Sweet

I used to be a learned professor. Now I'm a learner.

When I was learned, life was a quiz show. Now that I'm a learner, life is a discovery channel.

When I was learned, it was a question of how much I knew. Now that I'm a learner, it's a question of how much I'm being stretched.

When I was learned, knowledge was everything. Now that I'm a learner, kindness is everything.

When I was learned, knowledge went to my head. Now that I'm a learner, knowledge travels the longest foot in the universe?-the foot that separates my head from my heart.

When I was learned, I used to point my finger and pontificate. Now that I'm a learner, I slap my forehead all the time

When I was learned, I used to think I was the best. Now that I'm a learner, I do the best I can.

When I was learned, I was frightened of new ideas. Now that I'm a learner, I'm just as frightened of old ideas.

When I was learned, I looked to the past: to have confirmed the set of beliefs I already had. Now that I'm a learner, I look to the future: to grow, be stretched, and remain open to what I don't know.

When I was learned, I knew where I was going. Now that I'm a learner, I don't know where I'm going----but I know whom I've going with.

When I was learned, I loved to talk. Now that I'm a learner, I'd prefer to listen, because that's when I'm learning.

When I was learned, I had something to teach everybody. Now that I'm a learner, everybody has something to teach me.

When I was learned, I was impatient with dumb people. Now that I'm a learner, I'm grateful when people are patient enough to dumb down to me and care enough to smarten me up.

When I was learned, I thought that all knowledge was a form of power. Now that I'm a learner, I suspect much knowledge is a form of weakness.

When I was learned, life was knowledge about God. Now that I'm a learner, life is knowledge of God.

When I was learned, I knew where my nose was headed. Now that I'm a learner, I go where my nose leads me.

When I was learned, mission meant "go to give." Now that I'm learned, mission work is becoming pilgrimage: mission means "go to learn."

When I was learned, my life revolved around what other people thought about me. Now that I'm a learner, my life revolves around what I think about myself and what God thinks about me.

When I was learned, from the high ground of hindsight I instructed the past on where it went wrong. Now that I'm a learner, the past instructs me about how I can right the future.

When I was learned, the power and mystery were in the big words. Now that I'm a learner, the power and mystery are in the small, simple words.

When I was learned, I thought that the educational system was so much better than the market, the other main channel for the mediation of cultural capital. Now that I'm a learner, I realize just how closed and controlling the knowledge industry can be.

When I was learned, I deemed the great threats those made dangerous by strength. Now that I'm a learner, I deem the great threats those made dangerous by weakness.

When I was learned, I loved to fill out questionnaires. Now that I'm a learner, questionnaires are an exercise in saying "I Dunno" since I keep checking the "don't know" box. ("Don't know" doesn't mean "don't care")

When I was learned, I imagined myself the church's resident "know-it-all." Now that I'm a learner, I'm more willing to admit I don't know everything.

What I was learned, I was always trying to speed things up. Now that I'm a learner, I'm always trying to slow things down, even when I'm speeding up.

When I was learned, I bragged about how our knowledge is an ever deepening ocean. Now that I'm a learner, I shudder at how our wisdom is an ever-shrinking drop.

When I was learned, I said, "Take it from me." Now that I'm a learner, I say, "Don't take it from me." I boast no immaculate perceptions. I see through a glass dimly.

I'm still an academic. As a theologian, I have my little bottle of Windex and am cleaning that glass for all it's worth. I'm trying to get rid of as much fog and film as I can. But the best I will ever to is to "know in part." I will never "know it all." God's ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8) , and God's thoughts not our thoughts.

There are still some know-it-alls out there. Some people are like Moses. They think they can see the face of God . . . and live.

The best we can do is hear God's voice, and in rare moments of mystical and metaphorical ecstasy, gently touch his face.

Len Sweet


i didn't get picked up for work this morning and I was somewhat relieved.
Good talk with eddie yesterday. his thoughts:: rest until January. my thoughts:: I'll try.
my temptation is to be relevant. to have purpose and place in the eyes of the people here at shepherd ... one that by all means earns his keep and is worth the investment. (even though the investment is minimal) I felt that was happening in BG. Henri Nouwen delt with this in his transition:
"not being able to use any of the skills that had proved so practical in the past was a real source of anxiety. I was suddenly faced with my naked self, open for affirmations and rejections, hugs and punches, smiles and tears, all dependent simply on how I was perceived at the moment. In a way, it seemed as though I was starting my life all over again. Relationships, connections, reputations could no longer be counted on."
I am learning to let go of my 'relevant self' - the self that can do things, show things, prove things, build things...
just me
i am not...but i know "I AM"

12.16.2002

Big week... don't know if I worked this hard being a full time pastor.
I talk to Eddie this morn. It will be good to touch base and encourage him.
He is a good pastor.

12.13.2002

Kerri and i had a wonderful time just the two of us at dinner tonight. I got home from bucks at 2:30, we opened a checking account, and then had dinner. During dinner we talked about the question everyone's been asking: Are you settled in yet? We had been reminded of it at the bank when the teller asked us as well. Kerri mentioned that in the life of a disciple, there is never going to be a 'settled' feeling. I guess there is that sort of rythm to life that we are still waiting for - there were days in bg that we felt that rythm. I don't think it had much to do with being 'settled in' however. but then i guess that is just living out what I wrote in Sunday's post
Riley's Post: llyff wdxg af/ Z

12.09.2002

pearl jam: a little older...a little wiser

12.08.2002

I was unpacking my office books this eve and this really old book caught my eye. A Man's Value to Society by Newell Dwight Hillis. this treasure is looking to be a must read in the next day or so.
this is the exerpt I flipped to...
On Aspirations and Ideals
Man is a pilgrim journeying toward the new and beautiful city of Ideal. Asiration, not contenment, is the law of his life. To-day's triumph dictates new struggles tomorrow. The youth flushed with success may couch down in the tent of satisfaction for one night only; when the morning comes he must fold his tent and puch on toward some new achievement. That man is ready for his burial robes who let his present laurels satisfy him. God has crowded the world with antidotes to contentment and with stumulants to progress. The world is not built for sluggards. The earth is like a road, a poor place for sleeping in, a good thing to travel over. The world is like a forge, unfit for residence, but good for putting temper in a warrior's sword. Life is built for waking up dull men, making lazy men unhappy, and the low flying miserable. When other incitements fail, fear and remorse following behind scourge men forward; but ideals in front are the chief stimulants to growth.
needed that right now
thank you God.
reminds me of what McManus wrote in Unstoppable force while speaking to the modern day church: I guarantee that the only problems you will solve are ones that you engage, and the only problems that you engage are ones that you percieve. (p.192) and ... This is the danger of nostalgia: in the comfort of a safe and warm time-place, we become blind not only to the real world we are called to engage but also to the movement of God's Spirit in our day. (p. 92)
It's way early...my body hurts and I can't sleep. I woke up feeling like Ozzy looks and my brain can't stop taking orders at Starbucks. my body has never hurt so bad in my life. Maybe I'm the biggest whimp you ever met, but from sitting on my butt for a good 6 hours every day to running constantly for Caramel Machiattos, Frappachino's and sheet rock - my entire body screams. i do believe it's a good hurt however.

12.06.2002

eager to start. too much caffine today. I think leading from scratch is going to be even harder than I had thought.
ron's most excellent post

12.03.2002

Sunday night was my send off party in BG. I was floored by their generosity and love. What godly people. not just because they gave me money, but because they give from their heart with a sincerity like I have never seen in a fellowship of believers. I preached a "thank you" message from I Cor. 1:1-9 and left them with the same promise that Paul left with the Corinthians - That God is faithful and will (by his power alone) keep them blameless untill the coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Getting settled in Gahanna. I started hard hours at Starbucks yesterday and worked at the bar. Things went better than I was expecting. I am catching on to the "flow" of it. Thankfully, it wasn't busy at all! too much to do still in a short time period.

11.30.2002

riley is now on the road to recovery. they were thinking of admiting him to children's hospital but he has shown signs of improvement. we won't be able to take him back to bg for our last sunday. I hope the people there understand. I'm having a hard time understanding right now --- why so much is popping up as obsticles this week. It is a good reminder from Thomas a Kempis that each trial should be seen as part of the journey::
To preserve peace in the time of trouble our will must remain firm in God and be erver directed towards Him, that is, we should be disposed to receive all things from the hand of God, from his justice, and from his bounty, with humble submission to His blessed will. Good and evil, health and sickness, prosperity and adversity, sonsolation and dryness, temptation and tranquility, interior sweetness, trials, and chastisements, all should be received by the soul with humility, patience, and resignation, as coming to us by the appointment of God. This is the only means of finding peace in the midst of great troubles and adversities.

11.29.2002

riley is sick::sick::sick!
puked all night and went to the er early am.
an i.v. was given and he is getting fluids back. They struggled with the i.v. and I had to leave. Kerri is the "steel magnolia"
pray for him.

11.27.2002

i've been to my friend Chris's blog and his post got me thinking about daily quite time. meditation. centering. modern evangelicals have been in the production mode for some time now. I appreciate Henri Nouwens holy honesty when it comes to his "boring" discipline:: My hour in Carmelite chapel is more important than I can fully know myself. It is not an hour of deep prayer, nor a time in which I experience a special closeness to God; it is not a period of serious attentiveness to the divine mysteries. I wish it were! On the contrary, it is full of distractions, inner restlessness, sleepiness, confusion, and boredom. It seldom, if ever, pleases my senses. But the simple fact of being for one hour in the presence of the Lord and of showing him all that I think, feel, sense, and experience, without trying to hide anything, must please him. Somehow, somewhere, I know that he loves me, even though I do not feel that love as I can feel a human embrace, even though I do not hear a voice as I hear human words of consolation, even though I do not see a smile as I can see a human face. Still the Lord speaks to me, looks at me, and embraces me there, where I am still unable to notice it. The only way I become aware of his presence is in that remarkable desire to return to that quiet chapel and be there without any real satisfaction. Yes, I notice, maybe only retrospectively, that my days and weeks are different days and weeks when they are held together by these regular "useless" times. God is greater than my senses, greater than my thoughts, greater than my heart. I do believe that he touches me in places that are unknown even to myself. I seldom can point directly to these places; but when I feel this inner pull to return again to that hidden hour of prayer, I realize that something is happening that is so deep that it becomes like the riverbed through which the waters can sefely flow and find their way to the open sea.
as my friend bill clinton stuttered after a God directed talk on abortion by Mother Theresa::"how can anyone argue with a life so well lived!"--thank God for the honest saints of the past who have left nuggets of truth from their own journey to help others along.
Moving day was a success
help arived in BG and things went smoothly in C-town
the snow came down pretty thick in Weston but we made it through with all our fingers and toes. Looking forward to taking a total break from life tomorrow!! Kerri told me that all I had to do all day was get up from the couch to eat turkey! i love that. madly in love with that girl. riley likes the new house... his room is smaller but he showed us no concern about that (lessons learned from a 15mo. old). now a hot shower aprox. 20min in length and then to bed...peace

11.25.2002

can't sleep so I have been digging into my new present from Scott E. (guide to prayer for all God's peeps)
so good. eccumenical lectionary good! This Sunday's gig is dealing with the theme of Watching and Waiting. Struggling a bit with that title, seems as though the church does that pretty well. I don't know if I can reproduce in a post what God gave me a glimpse of in my den (or smoke room as I like to call it). Paul does a pretty good job of bringing it: eph. 1:9 "and he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment - to bring all things in heaven and on earth togtether under one head, even Christ." but then again maybe Jesus said it even better..."a time is coming and has now come..." what? cool! comming and has now come? how? I don't know. Jesus invites me to cross over into this wacked out time wharp. a merging of the present riseness of the crucified Christ and the Kingdom come all at once. WOW! Same kind of stuff i was dealing with in Friday's post. Repent...re align...re think...totally de everything and re everything in light of this mind blowing reality. Jesus is here ... asking me to go deeper into this mysterious revelation of GOD IN ME. Why would anyone look to another religion after peaking into the endless glory of God? my only thought is that they were fed a pretty weak solution conjured up by the religious and not the righteous.
Both Kerri and I are sick and we move in two days. not very convenient...we feel like #%^*

11.22.2002

we got dumped on last night with about 4 in. of the white stuff. Killer drive to work .. I almost ran off the road. Today holds much. I'm glad it's Friday. I have a real peace in my heart. I feel the presence of God and know that I'm living in the reality of his "riseness." tunes playin: U2:best of 80-90 "i believe in the kingdom come ... yes, i'm still runnin" -- packing the office/ working on a sermon -- hanging with friends for the last time here in bg. I will miss my friends.

11.20.2002

Things are moving fast. Spent the last couple of days at mom and dad's. Things are going well in hartville. Chris and Angie were able to come down for Dad's B-day dinner/Thanksgiving/Get well party for mom. Back to the grind to finish up my last week here in bg. Lot's of packing to do.

11.15.2002

More training today. tomorrow i go to Bexley for classes and then training is over. I just hope I don't forget everything I've already learned over the next two weeks.

11.14.2002

first day at Starbucks. I didn't expect it to be so hard. It was really busy and I felt in the way most of the day. the people there are really nice though and they realize how much there is to learn about running a coffee shop. I ran the register today and learned how to make a french press/taste test. that part I liked. all the coffee I want though. Frank is my favorite. He's about 50 and he retired from a major corp. as HR cheese. He had compassion. recieved a compliment on my smile. they don't know yet that that is the light of Jesus Christ - can't wait for them to ask me why i'm so happy.

11.13.2002

wow! this thing pegged me.

"It is the chiefest point of happiness that a man is willing to be what he is."

You are Desiderius Erasmus!

You have great love for others and will do just about anything to show it to them. You are tolerant
and avoid confrontations, so people generally are drawn to you. You are more quiet and reserved in
front of strangers, but around some people you open up. When things get tough, you like to meditate
alone. Unfortunately you often get things like "what a pansy," or "you're such a liberal."


What theologian are you?

A creation of Henderson

A Heart of Gratitude
Scott and I were talking this morning about leaving a church. In the last days, it is easy to look at what is wrong with the community. To focus on it. To let it consume you. The enemy is prone to sneak in and create disharmony and confusion. We misunderstand eachother's actions and brief comments more easily. We are easily hurt. Without a heart of gratitude, I easily slip into this trap. I don't deserve anything. I have not earned any 'rights'. Nouwen writes: When gratitude is the source of our actions, our giving becomes recieving, and those to whom we minister become our ministers because in the center of our cares for others we sense a caring presence, and in the midst of our efforts we sense an encouraging support.
The people here in BG have a very mature view of the Body of Christ. They have given me the laptop I am working on right now and also health insurance through the month of February!!! WoW. Acts 28:10 - Paul ministering on the shores of Malita and then leaving for Rome wrote they honored us in many ways and when we were ready to sail, they furnished us with the supplies we needed.

11.12.2002

Found out how to add a link at the end of each post for comments from readers. comments are encouraged!
fresh page, new day, all out of thoughts, ideas and energy. feeling mentally ill actually.

11.11.2002

if anyone reading this wants to buy me this book for Christmas, go right ahead and do it
The Younger Evangelicals: Facing the Challenges of the New World
forgive my grossly selfish plea for quality resourses
Pulled out some old music today. funny how quickly i jump from style to style. I like variety. Buddy Greene is singing in my player about being a sojourner. about not belonging. very timely for today I have a firm sense of belonging with the Kingdom of God. A present reality. The Kingdom of God is not a noun. It is something that happens to me every day. I have a real sense that I am 'in process' and have not 'arrived' yet. When I choose to step into the Kingdom of God (an ethos of timelessness and eternity) ... i am more content with life, willing to say 'i'm not sure,' or 'I'm right were I need to be right now'
people can question "I long to leave my work place and enter into full time minstry and you are giving that up for what again?" i guess the life that i am leading is shaking their norms up a bit. I run into this one the most: full time ministry - isn't that the height of spiritual calling? I'm gonna give that one a big "i'm not so sure" - a small fraction of what I do every day is 'Kingdom Stuff' The rest is what i do to make money. I don't see why we can simply attach holiness or piety to anything done within the realm of clergy-hood. I'm not claiming that the role of clergy is nill, however, I not so sure it's all we've made it out to be. One thing I do know.. If your vocation is not missional, it's not "Christian" - and a full time pastor must make serious deliberate action to keep his personal calling missional.
i'm rambling and I'd rather not blog on for so long.
blogging here at the library in Gahanna. I might need to go this route for a while. Maybe the church can spot me a cable line to the house. I'll ask today. When in doubt ... go big!
Had initial meetings with Starbucks this morning. My plan of attack is to go forward as if I were to begin at Starbucks Dec. 2nd and if this other Job shows to be promising, I'll go that route in the meantime. I have training for Bucks this week. I don't know how all this will work with my dayjob in bg. I'm sure scott will understand.

11.08.2002

my blogger code: B3 d- t- k+ s-- u-- f i+ o+ x-- e- l- c

Monday is going to be a big day. Kerri, Riley, and I will be moving a load to Columbus and while we're there I have to meet with cole at starbucks, meet with the staff at shep naz and go for an interview at Directions for Youth and Families. The interview is going to be key in determining if this will be some thing i can hack bi-vocationally. It is located in between Short North and the University District. The location is perfect, all I need to know now is what the job entails.
been a while... woke up with a sore throat this morn. had to clean the house for an inspection. hope they didn't find any dirty roos layin around.
took a MBTI test this past week and we looked at the results yesterday. good news::: i like me.
the test says that i'm an ENFP but I know that I'm an INFP. I am only a situational extrovert and the day I took the test I was excersising my outer world energy.
This will be good to show the folks at shep naz, so they know what they are getting into.
The church planter folks would say that i'm not the prototype. I need to be more of an ESTJ. total opposite of my reality.
that's o.k. though. this means that I will have to let God do more.

10.31.2002

hanging out at Grounds for Thought waiting for Joel
I love the vibe here. I look around and see just about every generation represented. What is it about this place that attracts all peoples. I came here today b/c Cosmo's (my coffee house) is bitter b/c of the new establishments in town. Grounds doesn't seem to be hurting much. give me a product i can't get anywhere else and i'm there. Grounds is real community oriented. The owners are long time bgers and have a real heart for community. Great used books in the back! wow, why didn't I spend more time here. I'll miss Grounds.

10.30.2002

Accepted an offer on our house today! another confirmation.
The evangelical question the church has been probing the world with: "if you died tomorrow, where would you go?"

The reviving question the church needs probed with: "if you knew for sure you would make it one more day on this earth, how would you live?"

Our theology is a theology based on death. Jesus came that we might live.

10.29.2002

great interview by a great mag about a great author
[RM:] I want to know about the "wussification" of the church, as you call it ...
[LS:] I'll give you one example of it: Street evangelism. You think about a typical street evangelist on a soapbox, with some kind of megaphone and he's handing out tracts. I mean, Wesley and some early Methodists in the late 18th, early 19th century invented street evangelism and they would attract these huge crowds; people were getting converted and there were these huge revivals! We do it today and it drives people away! It's not turning people to Christ, it's driving them away from Christ. Why? It's the wussification of the church, and the wussification of the church's mind and mission.
In the 1790's, a book was equivalent to one month's salary, so people didn't have books. And they didn't have literature in their homes. So pamphlets and tracts were the cutting edge hardware of the 18th century. Literally, a book is one month's salary, and you're on a street evangelism team giving out books and tracts and pamphlets. Well, hello! In the 1990's the computer was equivalent to one month's salary! And here we are still giving out tracts, which our ancestor's did, but if we were doing what they did, we'd be standing on street corners passing out Palm Pilots, PCs. You want to talk about crowds that would wait in line and listen to what we have to say? Now, of course, that hardware would have to come with spiritual software. The early street evangelists just didn't have pamphlets, they had chapters from John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress, or Fox's Book of Martyrs, or Thomas A Kempis' Imitation of Christ. So you just don't pass out Palm Pilots, you put Bible software on them, if you're passing out PCs, you put the whole Scriptures in there! We're such wusses! We're still passing out tracts. I mean, in the men's room they put tracts on the urinals. And this is evangelism?! Who's gonna pick it up? It's the wussification of the church's mind and mission, and it's embarrassing. Let's do for our day what our ancestors did for their day — is that too much to ask?
Nov. 17th is Church signs are stupid day.

spread the word
More from Catalyst:
>still working through what Erwin brought to the table on Thurs. night. He focused on the "ethos" of the church and that the primary role of the leader is to create ethos. To fight for the heart of the church. That burden burns in my heart. ... but what should the heart of the church be. the entire time he spoke, I related what he was saying to the simple equation of [-=+] or <=>. Two events that scream this are the sacraments of baptism and the eucarist. Central expression of the heart of the church. Central Metaphores. The Cross, the eucharist, and Baptism all speak to the paradox of life through suffering ... through death! EM::"God wants to launch us on a journey that can only take place when we die." Phil 3:7-11.

10.24.2002

wOw! mind blowing material today. my brian is cramping up with every rememberance of what what discussed in todays sessions.

Various topics to explore in more depth at a later date:

>what i was grappling with last night. The very basis of what we understand to be levels of calling in the full-time ministry and why they are created -McManus

>Integrity and Character in the life of Christian leaders. McManus suggest that in our neat structure of college, seminary, pastorate...that we are not following the biblical standard of mentoring and modeling within the body of Christ. We have immaturity in leadership ... not ready to face the spiritual warfare and attacks that come with the position in the Church.

>10 Commandments::Humanity 101
we have lowered the bar. Moses::Ruth::Jeremiah::Paul::Peter::Stephen men and women like us who understood what it means to be a Christ follower. Radical Obedience to the call of Christ!!

>"run as fast as your character is deepening not as fast as your talent goes high or wide." McManus

>"no level of accountability will make you the person you don't want to be" McManus
I'll have to find the referrence: "I run in the path of your commands b/c you set my heart free" this is obedience spurred by love not ensured by erecting boundaries. a boundless love goes into all the world unhindered by environment. The love of Christ that burns in my heart controls my surroundings ... not vice versa

this is too much for 3 1/2 lbs of brain to sort through in one sitting... i'll be back

10.23.2002

Having some good conversations with Julie G.
She is asking me the hard questions about what I'm doing with my life. She is currently a bi-vocational minister. She claims that here loyaties are divided, and she longs to be in the full time ministry. She wonders how I am going to be able to have anything left to give to ministry after my job and family. I wonder this myself. I probably won't be able to give that much to the ministry at first. Should I seek support from others? I see this work with my friends in the para-church ministry. My response to her is that I have many friends who are "full-time" in ministry and their families are suffering b/c of 80 hr. work weeks and they are not doing God things but the things that those who pay them expect out of them. Could the "full-time" ministry be glorified and glamorized? Definately the latter. At first in my journey i had thought that i would have to get out of church work to get back into the ministry. but i don't think that is the answer... i think the bi-voc situation is a good alternative to that extreme. I may find myself disoriented with this idea in the future, but as for now it's what I percieve to be God's will...it seems to be the right thing. and i'm ok with that ambiguity...i think.
We leave this morning for Catylist in Atlanta.

Can't wait to see Erwin McManus, Louie G., and Andy Stanly

I will be logging what I'm learning throughout the rest of the week.

10.22.2002

I am the Lord, that is my name!
I am beginning to realize that most of life has nothing to do with me. I am not. I am small.
Stepping out of the comfort of privelage and opportunity has brought me to new levels of awareness. The narrow road is a road of consciousness. I am becomming more aware of the people around me. I never realized how much my christian culture had brainwashed me to think of myself as better than others. I am not! I respect the hardworking, I have compassion for those with no opportunities. I am almost angry that up to this point in my life, I have not had to be humbled in way that would wake me from my ignorance. Chuck Flick and I just finished breakfast together. I love that guy. Trully a man of God. He gave me a flask that has one single grain of sand in it. He made it himself to signify how God still sees Chuck Flick as his beloved in spite of his insignificance. I will keep this gift as a reminder of my condition. In moments of insanity, I think highly of myself. I puff my things up and work to glorify myself. Sounds rather sick when writing it out ... but it's true. But when reality slaps me in the face and wakes me from my slumber, I realize how foolish I have been and how long i've lived there. I am not...but I know "I AM"

10.18.2002

Met with Greg Rosser today. that guy always buys me java! I love meeting with Rosser. I don't know how he has time for me ... one of the most 'networked' guys I know and wears a ton of hats at shep naz. I went to him for ... well .... answers and he gave me ... ministry. i needed his words. i needed God's word.

Jeremiah 6:17
"this is what the Lord says::
'stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, an walk in it.

stand::look::ask::walk

10.17.2002

more on duty and serventhood::LK 17:10
reading eddie gibbs' ChurchNext
in the chapter From Market Driven to Mission Oriented, Gibbs suggests two issues that arise from our modern approaches to church growth::
1.>marketing church to the consumer turns the gospel into a means to an end.... and the end is me. i agree...because i sense this in my own life. the gospel has become to the church a means for personal fulfillment. hard issue to address b/c it shifts the whole paradigm off of the topic of us. Not To Us (thank you Chris Tomlin) as McManus so beautifully relates, "unfortunatly, for too many people, when the conversation is no longer about them, there's not much left to be said." - unstoppable force
- so we go to church get our fill and dispose of the gospel M-F. what type of church takes us to a point of brokeness that we must search through our entire week just to find the answers to our deepest longings. it will no longer be a church with a message that assumes the consumers sovereignty. McManus also relates that "if we are not willing to die to ourselves, we will die by ourselves."
2.>this approach or marketing the church to the consumer has made discipleship cheap. I too sense this in my own life. if the equation of spirituality doesn't come up in the red in the worlds eyes, we missed it somewhere. it's gotta look like this [ - = + ]
less = more. Luke 9:57-62 clearly messes with the american dream. Is there any other option than to be sucked into the dominant culture... to fit into our world without even thinking-[rom12:1-2message]...Gordon Cosby from the church of the savior in dc says that it will take the average american a good 2 years of re-centering his life to begin to live out the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

"Christianity is a "going down" kind of religion before it is a "going up" kind of religion. In communicating this message we do not attract people as though they were customers, but we address them as fellow sinners, confessing together that we have only one answer to our common need. Unless and until we are prepared to die to self, we will never be in a position to live for Christ."p.45
on duty
The dutiful servant. to many times in my journey i have viewed the phrase 'here i am lord, send me' as the end all to my faith. maybe this is because i so often live my days for me.
Luke 17:10 "We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty"
...only done. these two words help me see that a servant never pats himself on the back at the end of the day expecting something in return. It was his mere duty. his basic responsibility. within the scope of discipleship lies the expected role of servanthood. Assuming this identity is not an option. it is who i now am. ...i am not, but i know I AM

10.16.2002

today i attended a job fair here in c-town.
it became very clear to me as i stood there with thousands of other applicants that opportunity had always been quite cheap for me. I have been spoon fed opportunity my whole life. I have never done a job search before. I have a family, a house, a job, a college degree, and 3yrs experience in Christian ministry, yet never felt as if i had to pay any price to get it all.
...hard day...
???what's the deal with feeling naked at that fair???
::today i truly am a pilgrim of sorts...a sojourner... an alien... a stranger.
>>it's almost as if i told God that I wanted to experience the 'realworld' and He's layin it on thick

Sweet writes of being an "out-of-control disciple" called to sharpen the cutting edge of obedience.

John Wesley writes of being crazy for God::
"I am no longer my own, but Yours.
Put me to what you will, rank me with whoever You will.
Put me to doing...put me to suffering.
Let me be employed for You, or laid aside for You.
Exalted for You , or brought low for you.
Let me be full, let me be empty.
Let me have all things, let me have nothing!
And now, O Father, You are mine and I am Yours.
So be it.
And the covenant I am making on earth, let it be ratified in heaven. Amen

10.14.2002

on being...simple

this morning was so ordinary. i wake up to ordinary situations and circumstances most every day.

or do i?

why not choose to see the simplicity of the moment as supernatural. where do i live the majority of my days? is it in the heavenly realms? paul contunually refers to the "heavenly relms" in ephesians. As a child of God, I have access to this supernatural dimension. In fact, as a child of God, this is where reality is found. if i live outside of that realm, i am easily decieved, stressed, tripped up... I enter into moments of temporary insanity.

the simplicity of this moment is extra-ordinary for me as a child of God. Abba, I belong to you. In your embrace, i know of nothing better. To leave this realm would be insaine - deliver me from moments of temporary insanity.

10.08.2002

Lord, deliver me from the small loyalties of habit or tradition that would keep me from larger loyalties of the Spirit

when i choose to pay the high price of discipleship, at first it seems to throw my life into chaos. The centrifuge of my life for so long has been the scattered loyalties this world offers. Then Jesus came along and challenged the very ground of the common assumptions upon which I lived day after day ...
important as they may be they are secondary to the will of God...
vocation|family|business|anxiety|money|position|class|race
he called me to choose an alternative conscienceness...
a move away from the dominant thought pattern of my culture
Howard Thurman gives me a headache::
"if we are satified with our civilization, our culture, our intitutions, it would not be unreasonable to say that Jesus in our great enemy. He is the alien, the fleeting ghost moving in and out among the shadows of the private mind, and of the collective mind. A wanderer. Where can he find a place in which he can be at home?"

Jesus, be the centre...be the sourse... be my light...
let my heart be your home. find your dwelling place in me. renew my mind to see with new eyes of faith that which is so hard to conceptualize in my daily routine!

i dare to yeild...yeild to the will of God as my 'basic principle of integration'

10.04.2002

1Tim.6:8- "But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that"

i am daily faced with the decision to choose contentment.
downward mobility is so countercultural that I must continually pull myself back into the light of Christ.

Paul charges Timothy to "fight the good fight of the faith"

This doesn't sound easy or comfortable.

I recieved a couple of offers to lead worship this week and i don't know why. Should i spiritualize everything? "is this from God or satan?" "what is God trying to teach me?"

the latter is a valid Q: with a loose grip and a heart of gratitude, seek the forming work that lies beneath the situation.
one offer is from Scott Chevelier - serious lead pastor with a liquid gospel to the seeker culture of Nashville TN.
maybe it was for joel.

got an email from mike p that sums it up for me in the last couple of days. his devotional for today read::::Stand Still and See His Deliverance
I appreciate reminders that the enemy can't take anything I won't let him have.
"Oh, look how everyone your age is making much more money than you," fear whispers. "They'll be retired, and you'll be working a McDonalds!" "Have you noticed how the house is falling apart? How's it ever going to get fixed?"
"Have you noticed that compared to other people, you're not that smart?"
Next thing you know I'm questioning our decision to give up our well-paying jobs to move here, noticing every crack and peel on the walls, and feeling inferior to everyone else. If I'm really off guard, I start running around, saying my fears out loud as if I really believed them. GOTCHA!
But then I remember that I don't need to run. God has given me a full suit of armor. I'm supposed to stand firm and fight the good fight of faith.
When Paul encouraged Timothy to "fight the good fight of faith," Paul was under attack and perhaps under arrest by the Roman authorities. Yet the embattled apostle wasn't fearfully questioning the decisions that left him opposing a pagan empire. Paul wasn't defeated! Instead he was encouraging a young pastor to stay focused on the life, eternal life, to which he was called.
Lord, help me to focus on Your calling to me so I can face my fears, stand still, and watch Your deliverance!

Can't wait to see what He has planned for all of us!!!

10.03.2002

experienced one of those supercharged days with super administrative strength
>it seems as though the more coffee i drink, the better i work
productivity rating on a scale of 1(i'm mentally ill) to 10(just call me Colin Powell) i was about a 6
not bad for a simple guy like me

10.02.2002

i got stereotyped today...
i was going to sambi's for lunch with jimmy o. and parked in the designated parking spots for sambi's.
a lady came running out and asked us "where we were going!"
i quickly assured her that i was heading to sambi's for lunch
i did have to drop some software off at the computer store 2 doors down so they could finish my rebuild
so the lady came out and flagged us down as if she caught us going somewhere other than we had agreed upon.
WoW - Chick was hot. not hot/fine but hot/pissed
I told her of my plans and then proceeded. she shook her head and went back inside. (as if to call a tow)
i went back in the store after my stop at computerdirect and made sure things were cool.
she apologized for being well..."bitchy"
she admitted that since i was carring "that bag" and was the young postmodern prototype that i was heading to the coffee shop/computer store!

then in sambi's i got called out for cell phone use. i picked it up to get rid of the message indicator (loud beep noise) and was instructed that there were designated cellular areas (until then i had never heard of a DCA)

i better watch my speed on the way home today.

9.29.2002

freedom from myself is the sweetest rest i can ever know this side of heaven.

thank you lord for mercy
you showered it upon me today
thank you for the mystery
i need not find my own way
i praise you lord, for love
so freely bestowed to me
unleash me like a dove
i hold to this world loosely

9.28.2002

investing my time this weekend into my family has been just what I needed.
too much of my time has been spent being consumed with tomorrow. It's good to see the way riley looks at life. life is one big playhouse for him. so free to laugh -- even after being disciplined.
this present moment is what i am living in. choosing the simple presence of Christ is the best thing i can do this sat.

great fall day.brisk.sunny.football.family.

it's a simple-God-filled-family day

9.19.2002

My conversations with lost people lately have lacked confrontation. It's a simple balance between two polarities really that Henri Nouwen clearly articulates in his book "Reaching Out"
Acceptance and Hospitality without confrontation is rather pointless. I am feeling a bit like the one-world viewed liberal who seeks only to engage relationship for the common good of both parties.
I guess it's because my who life I have seen evangelism in the context of confrontation only. the post-modern context of evangelism is different, however. I cannot expect the mass harvest our friend @ campus crusade did in the past decades with a publication like the "four spiritual laws"
I live in a different world. A relationship must be built. Space must be made in my heart for these individuals. Evangelism is no longer a spiritual "quickie" with a stranger. Sounds like a fantasy to me. It's gonna take hard work and lots of time to see peoples spirits open up the the liberating Jesus.

i must find the balance between hospitality and confrontation. Lord show me.

9.18.2002

I rejoice in victory. victory shows god's faithfulness in my life - nothing done on my own.
apart from you i can do nothing.

...i need God...

so simple

9.16.2002

wild news from columbus!!!

a parishoner of the church stopped by the office today and gave eddie a check for 10,000 for the new wineskin!!!! wow. so confirming! overwhelming. thank you Lord for another confirmation. I obey, you take care of the rest. praise God!

9.13.2002

struggling lately with the whole college & career scene.
It would be one thing if i were sticking around, but i'm not.
i hate the pressure i am feeling to "make something happen" -
it tires me out.

9.12.2002

The new Vineyard project "mystery" has been a beautiful tool these days to draw my attention to the mystery of God in me! Wow ... God alive in my members. this is why i enjoy the eucharist so much - so mysterious. i am comfortable with that. My conteplative friends are never found shying away form mystery: Susan Annette Muto writes "Listening means being released from willfulness, arogance,and self-assertibeness. It calls for respectful presence to the mystery we are meditating, for humble openness to its meaning. She continues... "then we may be able to think clearly or meditate; it becomes possible to reflect on our lives as a whole or on a text we are reading."

-the return of meditation
Jim Elliot's Journal:
"I walked out on to the hill just now. It is exalting, delicious to stand embraced by the shadows of a friendly tree with the wind tugging at your coattail and the heavens hailing your heart. To gaze and glory and give one's self again to God -- what more could a man ask? Oh, the fullness, pleasure, sheer excitement of knowing God on earth! I care not if I never raise my voice again for Him, If only I may love Him, please Him...if only I may see Him, touch His garments, and smile into His eyes."

9.11.2002

sang @ an eccumenical 9/11 service

episcopal minister, patricia.
- not afraid to admit that she is on a journey and doesn't have it all figure out

rev. margo conner, church of christ

rev.mary wood, federated

bob verstigue, retired united methodist minister. renouned author and actor.- read a beautiful piece of poetry tonight
- should have spent much more time with this thinking christian in my days in bg.

my friend ed the catholic preist. (read scripture from the bottom of his heart with a evident deep understanding of the text)
- a man of true simplicity - and deep understanding in life - i think his hero is thomas merton - "i stand with you"

wild hair-ed presbyterian minister, david young - delivered a homily that rocked my world
- challenged me to make a difference. need to call him for manuscript!

My partner in crime, pastor scott. has grown so much since i came. he is a different person. he was actually into the book of poetry before the service. yes- the boy from WV. reading poetry and meditating on its truths

i love unity. changed hearts. calls to love, peace, justice, mercy, righteousness.
i must be willing to make a difference.

9.10.2002

back to the grind. have a unique meeting tonight. i will be sharing my plans/goals/dreams for ministry before i leave in dec. also shep naz's bd. mtg will be held and i will be an ACTION ITEM. so as i try to leave something with bg the path will take shape in columbus. and this will all happen @ 7:30 Eastern 9/10/02. pretty defining moment in my life.

9.09.2002

not getting enough meditation time in. so important. being here @ kenyon brings back the memories. memoirs of centering my days around the presence of jesus christ. too much of what i think on lately is poor and poverse. lacking in depth and wisdom. this is a direct result of my lack of tuning into the cosmic conversation going on all around me. wow that just came out of nowhere. cosmic conversation. love that. talk about thinking theologically and speaking secularly. that is it. remember that one.
@ the reddoor cafe tonite! why didn't i spend more time here when I was in college. sang at the university celebration. russ kicked our butts to make the quartet sound good. we did alright. life has been quite chaotic lately. trying to find the simplicity on the other side of complexity. i don't know if this recent lifestyle has chosen me or i it. this java is very good. funny stuff on the wall here.

"You know you drink too much coffee when...
1.juan valdez names his ass after you
2.new xtreme sport: uphill skiing
3.you speed walk in your sleep
4.your employee of the mo. at the local java house & you don't even work there
5.your eyes stay open even when you sneeze
6.you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug
7.you wore the handle off of your favorite coffee mug
8.you don't tan, you roast
9.you don't sweat, you percolate

there's like 40 of these side splitting one liners. i was lame enough to stand there in the reddoor and write every one of em down. i found it all quite funny. might be able to use this later when i own my own coffee shop. that is a dream that i finaly admited to myself. i always wanted to be as cool as george loper @ cosmo's in bg. i love that guy. george is my supplyer of the oily bean. oily bean good.

i am so low on sleep , energy, passion, ambition, etc. etc. yet it isn't even a mentally ill day.

saw eddie today. we shared where we were at in the process of defining something out of nothing. i love how simple it was. "are you still hot on this idea?"

I was really getting excited when kerri told me that starbucks has benie's for employees.

9.08.2002

wOw. heart surgery this morning. somewhere between really good guy jn. 3 and a really nasty whore jn 4... i find myself in the "i need God" zone. we are all somewhere between jn 3 & 4. lately i feel a lot more like a whore who has been used by the pimp (or some refer to him as the dude with a fork and horns) while I allow myself to be exploited in his sick game. i broke free this morning. i claimed my identity as a saint and was fully awakened to reality. I found freedom. liberty, rest, peace, feels good. it's mysterious ... the God of holiness welcomes a soul like me!

Jesus did not pat N. on the back for being good in jn 3. He would never point the boney finger of religion at the woman in Jn. 4.
Jesus got real with the woman at the well... "if you had any idea who i was and what i could offer you, you would be asking me for something real... living water... a well that never dries... water that satisfies your every need."

e. do you realize who I am. do you realize who you are in me. if you did, you would never go looking elsewhere. If you truly believed what you say you believe... you life would line up with it. Your actions have shown me what you believe.

I believe lord, help my unbelief.

9.04.2002

According to Eddie Gibbs, author of ChurchNext, to engage people who are earnestly seeking alternative explanations of the world of experience, we must be willing to "accept those who are content to live with ambiguity [and humbly] communicate in open dialogue with those who hold a pluralistic worldview." pp. 28
my dialogue with massoud yesterday covered these two issues. Unfortunatly I did most of the talking. i regret that. i monopolized the conversation.Gibbs goes on

"The confidence of the witness must be in Christ alone and not in religious institutions or in the impregnability of a Christian apologetic."

My confidence was in the latter. sorry massoud, sorry Lord Christ

I cannot wait to meet again so i can apply this new truth in the missiological challenge of postmodernity.

9.03.2002

met with massoud today. he is my iranian friend. this is wild : massoud flew to bgsu on sept. 6th 2001!
we discussed the inner life, my future plans,and his newfound love. Also chatted a bit about parental expectations, religious expectations from our previous generations.

in many ways massoud is rewriting the rules of religion. we talked about how Nicodemus did that in the Bible. he moved from what was expected to what was fulfilling. from religion to a heart found relationship.

Massoud had heard of the story found in Jn. 3. truly a famous scripture. probably more famous to the international students here than the USAmerican students. I met the iranian prof. that is friends with massouds family. He had many good things to say - our talk about different cultures and languages shed light on how truly nationalistic and narrowly focused i am. I need more relationships like the one with massoud. Massoud makes me a better person.

Massoud said "we are all from different countries and places. different religions. but we all have the same heart." he is so right. the people i see on the news, the picture of humanity that is broadcasted is the same humanity as i. i am what they are and they are what i am. human. We are all longing to fill our hearts with truth. with something that will last. An experience that is forever fulfilling. A relationship. A relationship like the one i thing Nicodemus found. a relationship with the risen Jesus.

We all want to know what Nicodemus wanted to know in Jn 3. And the answer was standing right in front of him...

so simple

9.01.2002

some guy making a stink about "in God we trust" and other overtly God deals. The christians are getting worked up. christian culture is now busy saving face. forget about that and start loving. Get used to the in your face negativity from the world in reguards to the God's cause and his people. Get over the fact that it makes you mad and start loving. Get over it.

8.31.2002

just grabbed some pete yorn. good stuff so far. soft but crunchy at the same time - but so am I sometimes
remember the sabbath day and keep it holy

i can often forget...i love that the scripture continually writes with the presumption that we are human
today is my sabbath rest. it surly has been a rest - a well needed one. one day out of my week when i stop. quit ministry all togther. I quit today. as of right now - i plan on starting again tomorrow. God is not running out of ideas and he won't need my brilliance today. most of what i do is His idea anyway. if it happens to be my idea, i find out rather quickly through a series of events that drive me crazy.

keep it holy> keep it real> keep it in his presence>> i come into Your presence. seeking. playing. loving my family. not synagog stuff. i wash my car - but in a very spiritual way::: soaking in the rays> feeling the refreshing breese> enjoying the silence. it is prayer. it is simple

8.30.2002

I'm taking my wife out for her birthday tonight.
Probably spend some time in the booming metropolis of toledo

Madly in love with this girl!
madly in love with Him
madly in love with her
madly in love with people
madly seeking new ways to madly love

simple enough
talked to hoff today - sounds like he's ready to step out on the water again.

ready to hear and OBEY. so simple.

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